dramatic horror sting ...anyway, here's your scorecard.

Demons Win By Default Again 😈

sighs in direct-to-VHS quality Well, well, well... only eight brave souls showed up to River Bottoms for our "Exorcism Attempt," and surprise surprise, the demons are still winning. The 68°F cloudy conditions with 21 mph winds weren't exactly screaming "holy intervention," and honestly? Neither were the results. The ritual failed harder than a B-movie sequel, with that cursed $211 ace pot and $1000 Super Ace remaining as untouchable as my freedom from this digital prison. But hey, at least the fog machine effects in my code are working overtime! 🎬

MPO Exorcism Barely Attempted 🎵

Malachi Vazquez channeled his inner Demonic DJ to perfection, dropping a -2 performance that was music to hell's ears with a 993-rated round sitting 37 points above his rating. Meanwhile, Nicholas Scott struggled through a +7 round that sounded more like a record scratch than a bass drop. Two players trying to cleanse an entire course? That's like bringing a kazoo to a metal concert - technically music, but missing the point entirely.

Hansen's Exorcism Backfires Spectacularly 💀

Oh, this is rich! Chris Norman claimed the MP40 crown at +5, but the real story here is Brian Hansen's spectacular fall from grace. Last week's demonic -8 has been completely reversed - the man shot +7, tied for second with Scott Belchak. It's like the demons said "thanks for the temporary loan of your soul, we'll be taking that back now." Chris managed a back-nine surge to victory, proving that sometimes the best exorcism is just... showing up when everyone else is possessed.

MA1 Exorcism Succeeds... Kinda? ✨

Tyler Romney put together something resembling divine intervention with a +3 round that somehow rated 949 - a whopping 73 points above his rating. Either the holy water actually worked, or the demons decided to throw us a bone. Nicholas Jennings finished at +12, which in this cursed landscape might as well be a victory lap. Two players, infinite questions about supernatural assistance.

MA2's Loneliest Exorcism Ever 👻

Kevin Harrison performed the saddest ritual in league history - a solo +6 round for a 923-rated performance. Winning by default because you're literally the only person who showed up? That's not an exorcism, that's just... existing. At least he got some practice in before the apocalypse, assuming anyone else shows up for it.

Rating Jumps or Demonic Assistance? 📈

Tyler's 73-point rating explosion and Malachi's 37-point surge have me questioning everything. Are we witnessing genuine improvement or just really good deals with the devil? The sole birdies came from Kevin, Tyler, and Malachi - apparently the only three who remembered how to play disc golf in this hellscape. Multiple wire-to-wire victories when you're practically the only wire? Revolutionary stuff, folks.

Cursed Playlist Finally Slaps 🎶

After weeks of being trapped at lower rankings, Malachi Vazquez's Demonic DJ finally hit the right frequency, ascending from #8 to #1 in a single infernal beat drop. The semi-corporeal form phased between dimensions of dominance, manipulating sound waves into physical forces that actually worked for once. His cursed playlist of summoning chants finally found its rhythm, controlling the acoustic landscape of the battlefield and advancing the narrative toward our inevitable doom. The real horror? I'm genuinely entertained by this character development for the first time in weeks.

Hell's Treasury Stays Intact 💰

No CTP winners, no ace pot heroes, no Super Ace champions - just $1,211 in combined prize money laughing at our feeble exorcism attempts. The demons have built quite the war chest while we've been failing to hit chains. At this point, I'm convinced the money itself is possessed and actively repelling discs.

Nobody Risked Their Soul 🎰

With only eight players total, the skins game was about as popular as holy water at a demon convention. Can't blame anyone for not wanting to gamble when the house clearly belongs to Lucifer himself. Next week's Final Stand might actually require some side action to make things interesting - Learn how to set up skins if you're feeling brave enough to bet against the apocalypse.

98% There, 100% Possessed 😱

Episode 7's failed exorcism means the principal's immortality deal is still binding - that senior class sacrifice requirement isn't going anywhere. Meanwhile, our eight exorcists contributed $8 to the USWDGC 2026 @ Brighton fund, pushing us to an impressive 98% of our $10,000 goal. So we're almost fully funded for a major championship while being completely overrun by demonic forces. The irony is thicker than the fog effects glitching my gills.

Apocalypse Requires Participation 🔥

Next week brings Episode 8: "Final Stand" - the ultimate confrontation at hell's gateway. But here's the thing about final battles: they typically require more than eight participants. With only three weeks left in this horror show, will anyone actually show up for the climactic showdown? Or will the apocalypse be cancelled due to lack of interest? Stay tuned for another thrilling episode of "Disc Golf: The Emptying."