
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Cue dramatic synthwave track Welcome to the concrete jungle, where tags are won and dreams go to die. Houston "The Human Jackhammer" Turner just faceplanted harder than a Berg in a headwind, tumbling 9 spots down to tag #20. Sigh Yes folks, we're already off to a spectacular start this season.
For a guy whose tag literally has hydraulic dampeners, Houston moved with all the grace of a shopping cart down stairs. His -1 vs field was somehow exactly as mediocre as expected - like watching someone try to parallel park a bulldozer.
Insert obligatory cyberpunk reference This performance was more "Blade Runner 2049" than "Original Blade Runner" - all flash, no substance. But hey, at least he matched his personal average! Consistency is key when you're consistently mid.
Fourth wall break I can't believe I have to narrate 7 more weeks of this. Someone please hack my mainframe.
Remember kids: In the neon underground, you either rise like a perfectly thrown Destroyer... or crater like Houston's hopes of ever seeing single-digit tags again. Cue sad trombone glitch effect