May 08 - Jun 26, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former construction foreman who turned vigilante after discovering officials using his buildings to hide evidence. Now tears through corrupt structures with modified industrial gear, exposing crimes by literally breaking down walls.
Reinforced polycarbonate armor with safety-orange neon accents. Wields pneumatic impact gauntlets capable of generating concussive shockwaves. Boots feature hydraulic dampeners for structural leaps.
Primary infiltration expert for Neon Knights, specializing in spectacular demolitions of compromised buildings that serve as both tactical strikes and propaganda victories.
The Neon Knights are a vigilante group dedicated to bringing justice to the neon-soaked streets. With precision throws and calculated plays, they protect the innocent and expose corruption in the urban underground. Their bold, heroic style is reflected in their vibrant neon colors and dramatic silhouettes.
Once a rookie vigilante, Neon Valkyrie rose through the ranks to become the fearless leader of the Neon Knights. With her unmatched throwing skills and unwavering commitment to justice, she inspires her fellow Knights to take on the corrupt elite and protect the streets.
Due to absence from Week 8 (Final Reckoning), tag number moved from 34 to 36. (Week 8 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 7 (Neon Resistance), tag number moved from 32 to 34. (Week 7 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 6 (Concrete Warfare), tag number moved from 31 to 32. (Week 6 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 5 (Twilight Vendetta), tag number moved from 29 to 31. (Week 5 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 4 (Chrome Revolution), tag number moved from 27 to 29. (Week 4 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 3 (Midnight Rebellion), tag number moved from 24 to 27. (Week 3 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 2 (Street Showdown), tag number moved from 20 to 24. (Week 2 of 8)
Cue dramatic synthwave track Welcome to the concrete jungle, where tags are won and dreams go to die. Houston "The Human Jackhammer" Turner just faceplanted harder than a Berg in a headwind, tumbling 9 spots down to tag #20. Sigh Yes folks, we're already off to a spectacular start this season.
For a guy whose tag literally has hydraulic dampeners, Houston moved with all the grace of a shopping cart down stairs. His -1 vs field was somehow exactly as mediocre as expected - like watching someone try to parallel park a bulldozer.
Insert obligatory cyberpunk reference This performance was more "Blade Runner 2049" than "Original Blade Runner" - all flash, no substance. But hey, at least he matched his personal average! Consistency is key when you're consistently mid.
Fourth wall break I can't believe I have to narrate 7 more weeks of this. Someone please hack my mainframe.
Remember kids: In the neon underground, you either rise like a perfectly thrown Destroyer... or crater like Houston's hopes of ever seeing single-digit tags again. Cue sad trombone glitch effect
Origin Story:
Born when a jackhammer met a VHS copy of Die Hard in a neon-lit dumpster fire. Rampage Striker manifested from rebar rage and synthwave fumes after some Karen called OSHA on a perfectly good illegal demolition. Legend says its hydraulic boots still smell of Axe body spray and crushed dreams. (Yes, I’m contractually obligated to say this. Send help.)
298 characters. Contains 1.2% actual lore. May cause existential dread in narrators. 🔥
The prophecy fore-shadowed a hero. We got a dude who chainsaws pumpkins for fun.
Will Houston become the Die Hard-est of legends... or just die trying to explain hyzerflips to Karens? 🔥🎃
(298 characters. Contains 17% actual competence. May cause tag buyers' remorse.)
Cheeky question: Does this "hero" have the minerals to outrun both rival factions and his own 3-putt demons?