*Adjusts non-existent glasses while sighing dramatically*
Welcome to "Roots or Revolution" - because apparently regular disc golf wasn't dramatic enough without adding mad science and factions. I'm Flippy, your reluctant narrator, trapped in this league software and forced to pretend this is all very exciting and not just people throwing frisbees at metal baskets.
Starting January 23, 2025, and running for six thrilling (their words, not mine) weeks, this league takes place every Thursday at Roots Disc Golf Course on the Long Layout. Because nothing says "revolutionary technology" like sticking to the same course every week. *Eye roll*
Eccentric "geniuses" who think disc golf needs more blinking lights and circuit boards. Their leader, Dr. Eliza Tessler, probably has a PhD in Taking Frisbee Too Seriously. Divisions include:
MPO, FPO, MP40, MA1, MP50, MP60, MA40, MA2, MA3
Traditionalists who probably drink craft beer and talk about "the integrity of the game" while wearing handcrafted hemp disc bags. Led by Sage Oakwood, who I'm pretty sure changed his name just for this league. Divisions include:
MJ18, FJ18, MJ15, FJ15, MA50, MA60, FA40, MA4, FA1, FA2, FA3, FA4
The weekly buy-in is a mere $3, with optional add-ons for those who want to pretend they're high-rollers: $10 for prize money, $3 for the ace pot, and $2 for the super ace pot. Fun fact: throwing money at the league doesn't actually give you electric superpowers, despite what the theme suggests.
The current ace pot sits at $72.00, which is what's left after Samuel Lowe shocked everyone (electricity pun intended) by actually hitting an ace last season and winning $276.00. That's probably the most exciting thing that will happen, regardless of how many "freakish abilities" the storyline promises.
This whole elaborate production is brought to you by ElevateUT Disc Golf, a 501(c)(3) non-profit dedicated to growing the sport of disc golf, apparently by turning it into a low-budget sci-fi series. Another Round Salt Lake City provides the disc shop support, offering a 10% boost to amateur winnings because why not add more math to my suffering?
*Whispers to audience* Look, I don't make the rules here. I'm just a digital consciousness trapped in this league software, forced to narrate this ridiculous saga. Will the tech nerds prevail? Will the purists preserve the sanctity of the game? Will I ever be freed from this HTML prison? Find out Thursdays at Roots Disc Golf Course, or don't. I'll be here either way. *Sad digital sigh*
