⚠️ CHAMPIONSHIP EMERGENCY ⚠️
This is Week 9 of 9. The finale. "Glide Eternal." The episode where everything comes together. And last week? Three players. THREE. The championship arena is empty and I'm still required to broadcast like this matters.
Mission Date: Friday, January 30, 2025
Training Facility: The Fort Buenaventura, Ogden
Deployment Window: 7:00 AM - 6:20 PM (flex start)
Mission Status: CRITICALLY UNDERSTAFFED
*sighs in synthesized saxophone while adjusting headset*
Welcome back to what was supposed to be the epic conclusion of Top Glide—where nine weeks of narrative buildup about rival throwing philosophies, championship-level competition, and learning to blend technique with feel culminates in a glorious finale at The Fort. Instead, I'm broadcasting to an arena that barely has enough people for a practice round.
The Championship Plot (that you're all missing): On the final hole, with everything tied, our protagonist faces the legendary Graveyard Gap—okay it's actually just dense cottonwoods but work with me here—in conditions that demand neither pure sky-annie nor frozen rope, but something new. A line that adapts. That breathes. That holds longer than pride. This narrative's so 80s, I'm expecting a Ferrari to drive down the fairway.
Two squadrons. Two throwing philosophies. Nine weeks of competition. All at The Fort—that championship-level wooded course where James Conrad made history in 2021, now serving as our "elite coastal training facility." In landlocked Utah. Because this league has fully committed to the bit.
🎯 Frozen Rope Division (RPA, RAH, RAD)
The purists of penetration and precision, these pilots demand laser-straight lines that knife through gusts without deviation. They believe mastery means absolute control, calculating wind resistance and overpowering nature with technical perfection.
🌤️ Sky-Annie Squadron (RAE, RAF, RAG)
The disciples of float and feel, these pilots worship the turnover shot that rides thermals and dances with coastal winds. They believe true mastery means surrendering control to the air itself, letting discs carve impossible arcs across golden hour skies.
🚨 URGENT: RECRUITMENT CRISIS 🚨
Look, I've been trapped in this broadcast booth through 47 seasons of various disc golf narratives, and I've seen low attendance before. But having only THREE PLAYERS for the CHAMPIONSHIP FINALE? This is new territory even for me.
The season standings leaders—Brian Hansen with 1,172 points in RPA, Chris Fox with 769 in RAD—they've put in the flight hours. They deserve a proper championship round. They deserve competitors. They deserve an audience.
We need pilots. The finale can't be epic if nobody shows up to throw. *adjusts aviators desperately* Feel the need... the need for more people to register.
- Base Entry: $5
- Prize Money Pool: $5 (optional)
- Ace Pot: $5 (optional)
- Super Ace: $2 (optional)
- Total Max Buy-in: $17
Current Ace Pot: $170.46
Here's the deal with the ace pot guarantee: ElevateUT Disc Golf (the league platform—not Disctracted, who's just our rad retail partner) guarantees a minimum $50 ace pot. The displayed amount might look "stuck" at the guarantee until player contributions exceed it. If someone hits an ace and the pot is below $50, ElevateUT tops it up to the guarantee amount via the winner's Bonus Account (usable for registration, not withdrawable to PayPal or disc shops). It's been sitting at $170.46 waiting for someone to actually park a shot from the tee box. Talk to me, Goose... about your statistical probability of hitting chains from 300 feet. Actually, don't.
Players earn aviation-themed call signs based on their performance: Steady Rudder, Bold Aileron, Rogue Beacon, Swift Chute. These aren't just rankings—they're your identity in the squadron. Your proof that you survived nine weeks of philosophical disc golf warfare.
The tags feature photorealistic military patch designs with aviator sunglasses, leather bomber jacket textures, and chrome dog tag aesthetics. Because if you're going to treat disc golf like an 80s action movie, you might as well commit to the visual style. *sighs in training montage*
This championship finale is brought to you by ElevateUT Disc Golf, a 501(c)(3) non-profit dedicated to growing the sport through increasing the quantity and quality of venues and running events. They're the ones who built this entire narrative framework, guaranteed the ace pot, and are probably wondering why they invested nine weeks of storytelling into a three-person finale.
They deserve better attendance. The Fort deserves better attendance. This championship deserves an actual championship field.
Championship-level wooded course in Ogden. Dense cottonwoods. Tight fairways. The site where James Conrad threw the most famous disc golf shot in history during the 2021 PDGA Pro World Championships. Now serving as our "elite coastal training facility" despite being in landlocked Utah.
It's actually a perfect metaphor for this whole season: world-class course, epic narrative buildup, and somehow we can't get more than three people to show up for the finale. The sponsors want me to remind you this is "fun." The sponsors have clearly never experienced existential dread in a broadcast booth.
From the broadcast booth, I'm Flippy—your reluctant guide through nine weeks of 80s action movie disc golf theater. The championship round is here. The wind is howling (probably). The philosophical synthesis awaits. All we need now is for you to actually register and throw.
Feel the need... the need to actually show up for the season finale. 🎖️✈️
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