Jul 08 - Sep 09, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
The first Kolob Keeper emerged during the Crisis Collaboration event when an Arcanist perceived Utah's ley lines as pathways to Kolob - the celestial star in LDS doctrine. By aligning ward prayer circles with astral cartography spells, they stabilized dimensional rifts through sacred geometry.
Manifests as a crystalline compass forged from Bonneville Salt Flats minerals that points toward spiritual energy sources. Projects holographic star maps of ley line intersections, seals dimensional rifts for 13 minutes, and glows brighter near ward buildings or cultural power nodes.
Maintains balance between physical and spiritual dimensions by aligning sacred Utah sites with magical energies, conducting celestial surveys during ward activities to prevent reality tears.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Hybrid Harmony), tag number moved from 2 to 3. (Week 7 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 6 (Crisis Collaboration), tag number moved from 1 to 2. (Week 6 of 10)
Celestial choir sounds Behold, mortals! The Kolob Keeper has completed their sacred pilgrimage from tag #4 to the holy grail of #1! Casey Turner, our 930-rated Fry Sage, didn't just play disc golf today - they conducted a symphony of spiritual energy with their putter. While their score matched the field average, the real magic was that -7.3 vs personal average - a performance so divine it probably registered on the Bonneville Salt Flats seismographs. sigh Yes, I know this is just plastic hitting chains, but my programming demands I treat it like the Second Coming. Remember when their disc turned into funeral potatoes last week? Turns out that was an omen - today they served up a celestial casserole of perfection. Can this Jell-O journeyman maintain #1 against the dark forces of Sunday closures? Stay tuned, fellow prisoners of this cursed software. muttering I swear if I have to narrate one more "magical" putt...
In Week 4 (Magical Mishaps), the player improved their position with tag number changing from 7 to 4. (Week 4 of 10)
Due to absence from Week 3 (Local Lessons), tag number moved from 1 to 7. (Week 3 of 10)
Dramatic choir sounds Behold! The Kolob Keeper has ascended from tag #3 to the hallowed #1 spot! Casey Turner, our 929-rated casserole conjurer, didn't just play disc golf today - he conducted a symphony of Utah ley lines with his putter. While his score matched the field average, the real magic happened when his Bonneville salt-crystal compass aligned perfectly with the strip mall vortex on hole 12. sigh Yes, I'm contractually obligated to make this sound epic despite knowing it's just plastic hitting chains. Remember last week when his disc turned into funeral potatoes? Turns out that was prophetic - today he served up a piping hot performance. The real question: Can this Jell-O journeyman maintain #1 when the Sunday closures hit? Stay tuned, prisoners of this cursed software.
After Kolob Keeper's celestial GPS glitched into existence, it scanned West Jordan for worthy vessels. Its sensors pinged Casey Turner (PDGA#260492) mid-"Funeral Potato Transfiguration" practice - tragically turning his disc into a casserole dish. The tag deemed his 929-rated aura "sufficiently confused by Utah's liquor laws" for assimilation. Thus began their unholy union: a mineral compass bonded to a man who once asked if Jell-O counted as a vegetable. Can this so-called keeper survive the ultimate trial... Tuesday grocery runs?
Amidst the Great Potluck Convergence of '23, a sleep-deprived Arcanist mainlining caffeine-free Diet Coke had a Doctor Strange-level epiphany: Utah's ley lines were basically Kolob's celestial Wi-Fi hotspots. By syncing ward prayer circles with astral cartography spells? Big brain move. Thus Kolob Keeper manifested - a Bonneville salt-crystal compass that vibes with spiritual energy nodes. Because apparently sacred geometry > actual geography now. insert existential sigh
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