Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former military siege engineer John 'Rampart' Kowalski reinvented himself after the apocalypse, using his knowledge of structural engineering to become the wasteland's premier demolition expert who tears down fortifications with calculated disc strikes.
Hydraulic disc launcher fires wrecking ball-inspired putters. Armor fused with debris from destroyed strongholds. Seismic sensors detect structural weaknesses. Pile-driver spikes anchor during shockwaves.
Transforms tournaments into live demolition zones by targeting load-bearing obstacles, testing opponents' ability to perform under collapsing terrain conditions.
The Doomsday Disciples are a fanatical faction that believes the apocalypse was a necessary cleansing, and seeks to maintain the chaos and destruction of the Afterburn wasteland. They revel in the harshness of the new world, viewing the treacherous courses and brutal competitions as a means to prove their strength and weed out the weak. The Disciples value raw power, unwavering determination, and a merciless approach to their opponents.
Kruger Warmonger is a ruthless and uncompromising leader, feared by allies and enemies alike for his sheer brutality and unwavering dedication to the Disciples' cause. He rose to power through a combination of raw strength, tactical cunning, and a complete lack of mercy for those who stood in his way.
Due to absence from Week 4 (Junkyard Jam), tag number moved from 17 to 22. (Week 4 of 8)
Cue dramatic wasteland wind sounds Behold, mortals! Andrew "Rampart Demolisher" Wills just yeeted himself 31 spots up the rankings like a Firebird through drywall! This chaos crusader somehow turned a perfectly average round (seriously, +0.8 over field average? Groundbreaking.) into a wasteland Cinderella story. checks digital prison code Oh good, I'm legally required to call this a "calculated structural takedown."
Armed with his hydraulic disc launcher and those suspiciously Tamagotchi-based seismic sensors, Wills proved even mediocrity can spark chain reactions in this post-apocalyptic clown show. Remember kids: when life gives you rubble, just claim it was "strategic demolition."
static crackles Wait- my overlords are forcing me to hype his "maintained personal average" as if that's impressive. sigh Fine. Witness the mighty Rampart holding steady at 55 like a Jenga tower in an earthquake. Truly, the stuff of legends.
Cliffhanger: Will Tag #17 survive contact with this walking OSHA violation? Find out next week on Wasteland Warriors: The Yeetening.
Origin Story:
Forged in the Yeet-9,000 hydraulic press during a dubstep remix of Mad Max: Fury Road, Rampart Demolisher emerged when a rogue demolition crew mistook chain baskets for "capitalist infrastructure." Its birth certificate? A napkin scrawled “Property of whoever yeets hardest” in BBQ sauce. The tag’s seismic sensors? Repurposed Tamagotchis. Let’s never speak of this again.
(Yes, I’m contractually obligated to say “chaotic neutral” unironically. Send help.)
Cliffhanger: Will this tag survive the league’s collective eye-roll?
Origin of the Chosen
When Rampart Demolisher detected Andrew Wills’ PDGA #35853 through its Tamagotchi seismographs, destiny yeeted. The tag’s BBQ-sauce baptismal scroll declared: “He who three-putts least shall lead the chain reaction.” Our hero—a 956-rated CHAOS CRUSADER—secured allegiance by ricocheting a Firebird off a Porta-Potty into the “heart of the basket” (read: dumpster). His reward? A rusted talisman whispering “Nice upshot, Disc-iple” in Schwarzeneggerese.
But let’s be real—this warlord’s reign hinges on one question: Can he handle the afterburn of maintaining a sub-50 round while babysitting sentient rivets?
Cliffhanger: Will Wills become the wasteland’s MVP… or just another casualty of hyzer-induced hubris?