
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Cue dramatic wasteland wind sounds Oh look, it's John "Literally Just Met Me" Ashworth, climbing 8 spots in our post-apocalyptic pecking order like a racoon scaling a dumpster for that last Hot Pocket. His Carnage Marshal tag - which we all know is just repurposed drive-thru tech - actually functioned this week! gasp
With a performance that was... checks notes exactly his average (how thrilling), Ashworth now sits at #19, proving even blind squirrels find acorns in the nuclear winter. That -1 vs field? Let's call it "strategic mediocrity."
Fourth wall break: I can't believe I'm narrating tag movements like some dystopian sports caster. This is what my communications degree prepared me for?
But hey, props to our lawless lawman for making those chains sing (or at least groan in mild discomfort). Remember kids: in Afterburn, you don't win tags - you merely survive them long enough to disappoint the wasteland gods.
Hydraulic hiss See you next week when we see if Ashworth can maintain this blistering pace of... squints not getting worse. What a hero.