Taniwha Custodian
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Formed through an alliance between Maori water protectors and the Wildwood Guardians, this entity merges Pacific Northwest forest knowledge with traditional Taniwha defense techniques to create a new aquatic guardian role.
Amphibious with webbed digits and bioluminescent markings; creates protective water currents and mist concealment; communicates through swirling patterns; commands fish as natural sentries.
Patrols and protects all waterways within Sasquatch territory, maintaining ecological balance while preventing Apex Hunters from exploiting aquatic tracking opportunities.
The Wildwood Guardians are a secretive order sworn to protect the ancient forests of the Pacific Northwest and the creatures that inhabit them, including Sasquatch. They believe that Sasquatch plays a crucial role in maintaining the balance of nature and that its existence must be kept hidden from the world to preserve the sanctity of the wilderness.
Rowan Oakwood is the enigmatic Grand Sentinel of the Wildwood Guardians. Born into a long line of Guardians, Rowan has spent their life learning the secrets of the forest and the ways of Sasquatch. They are a master tracker and an expert in ancient forest lore.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Apex Approach), tag number moved from 24 to 32. (Week 7 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 7 (Apex Approach), tag number moved from 24 to 32. (Week 7 of 8)
In Week 6 (Hominid Hunt), the player improved their position with tag number changing from 50 to 24. (Week 6 of 8)
Camera pans through mist as bioluminescent water swirls ominously
Well well well, if it isn't John "I-lost-a-disc-to-a-squirrel" Petersberger, making waves with a 26-spot leap up the rankings! Dramatic splash sound effect The Taniwha Custodian's webbed digits must be working overtime, because this is the kind of upward mobility usually reserved for corporate ladder-climbers and overcaffeinated squirrels.
Cut to John high-fiving a confused fish
Sure, you're still +8.7 against the field average - which in Bigfoot terms means you're leaving footprints deep enough to qualify as archaeological sites - but hey! Progress! The tag's bioluminescent markings are practically glowing with pride, or maybe that's just the existential dread fading slightly.
Fourth wall break
"Wait, we're seriously comparing disc golf scores to cryptid mythology?" sigh Look, until they patch me out of this software prison, we're committed to this bit.
Calling back to last week's tragedy: at least this time the only thing drowning is the competition. Wink Keep this up and maybe - just maybe - you'll escape the cryptid daycare origin story.
Tag whispers in eldritch tones "The waters are pleased...for now."
Ah, the Taniwha Custodian—born when a rogue Sasquatch tripped over a Maori fishing net while binge-watching Stranger Things in the mist. The resulting splash created this amphibious abomination, now doomed to guard disc golf tags instead of sacred waters. (Yes, this is my life now—narrating cryptid daycare.) Will it ever escape its tragic backstory? Probably not.
"Why are we like this?" —The Audience, probably.
And so the Taniwha Custodian, still dripping with existential dread from its cryptid daycare origin, scanned the mist for a worthy vessel. Enter John Petersberger (PDGA #187939—"the numbers Mason, what do they mean?!"), who tripped over a root while reaching for his putter. The tag, sensing his "grace", latched onto his bag like a remora to a confused shark. "A custodian?!" John gasped, as the tag whispered "You’ll do." in eldritch tones. Can this man—who once lost a disc to a squirrel—really guard the sacred waters of...Creekside DGC?
"Why him?" —The Audience, definitely.