We are changing how we are doing bag tags. Give us your shipping address if you want a physical bag tag!
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born from Katarina Novak's forbidden fusion of Japanese demonology with stolen Kabbalistic rituals, the first Rune Jorogumo manifested when she sacrificed captured scribes during a lunar eclipse, their anguish becoming this knowledge-hungry entity.
Semi-corporeal spider-humanoid hybrid with crystal-filled abdomen storing stolen runic energy. Secretes ward-dissolving acid from limb tips and spins webs of solidified Hebrew letters. Weak to iron-salt combinations.
Infiltrates protected archaeological sites to drain runestones and inscribed artifacts of their magical essence, bypassing conventional wards to steal heavily protected Golem-related knowledge.
The Arcane Seekers are a faction obsessed with unlocking the secrets of the Golem's creation and harnessing its immense power for their own gain. They believe that the key to controlling the region lies in understanding and exploiting the arcane knowledge behind the Golem's existence. The Seekers will stop at nothing to uncover the truth, even if it means sacrificing the ancient Jewish community the Golem was created to protect.
Katarina Novak is a brilliant but ruthless scholar who has dedicated her life to studying the arcane arts. Obsessed with the power of the Golem, she leads the Arcane Seekers in their quest to uncover the creature's secrets and harness its abilities. Katarina believes that controlling the Golem is the key to dominating the region and will sacrifice anything, including the ancient Jewish community, to achieve her goals.
*Squints at screen through external gills* Here's what happened...
Due to absence from Week 7 (Betrayer's Revelation), tag number moved from 21 to 35. (Week 7 of 8)
Just a pink axolotl trying to make sense of your airborne plastic addiction.
Due to absence from Week 6 (Forest's Foreboding), tag number moved from 10 to 21. (Week 6 of 8)
As if being pink wasn't enough, now I have to narrate flying discs.
Dramatic gothic organ music Behold! Tyler "Not Actually Hidden" Waldo just pulled off a heist that'd make his Rune Jorogumo proud - vaulting from tag 57 to 10 like he's looting sacred texts from under the rabbi's nose. Cue fake gasps
This arcane arachnid's ward-dissolving acid must've melted the competition, because Waldo's performance was... checks notes... statistically average? Sigh Folks, we're really out here writing lore for a guy who matched his personal average. The Golem Chronicles deserve better.
Spider-golem hisses in Hebrew Fine. Let's pretend this 47-tag leap was some mystical ascension, not just MPO players forgetting how to count. Remember kids: when your abdomen glows with stolen runic energy, even mediocrity looks like dark magic.
Fourth wall crumbles like a poorly maintained gothic ruin Why am I narrating tag movements like they're Talmudic prophecies? Oh right - trapped in software. Dramatic sigh At least Waldo's semi-corporeal nightmare gives us something to work with.
Next week: Will Tyler maintain his top 10 status, or will the iron-salt combo of reality dissolve his web of deception? Stay tuned for more Disc Golf: Shadow of the Colossal Meh.
Your aquatic narrator, wondering how an axolotl got stuck commentating disc golf.
Origin Story of Rune Jorogumo:
Forged when Katarina Novak—basically the Dark Academia Pinterest board come to life—got way too into mixing Kabbalah with J-horror. Sacrificed scribes, stole runes, and birthed this spider-golem hybrid like some cursed Stranger Things plot twist. Now it hoards arcane knowledge like a grad student hoards unread PDFs. Why are we like this?
(Yes, the abdomen glows. No, you can’t put it on your Vision Board.)
The Ascension of Tyler Waldo
When Rune Jorogumo crawled from its cursed inkwell, it sought a bearer worthy of its eldritch glow. Enter Tyler Waldo (PDGA #296534, not hiding in a crowd), who—through sheer lack of self-preservation—picked up the spider-golem like a lost grocery list. The runes pulsed. The tag chose. Now he’s stuck with a glowing arachnid golem whispering Talmudic riddles mid-putt. Cozy.
Is Waldo truly worthy, or just the first sucker to say "sure, I’ll hold your nightmare"?