Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born from Katarina Novak's corrupted attempt to reverse-engineer a Golem animation ritual, this entity now haunts sacred spaces to feed on ceremonial energy, leaving behind only distorted echoes of the original rites.
Exists as semi-corporeal mist that absorbs and distorts ritual energy, developing temporary physical traits based on consumed ceremonies. Leaves behind corrupted sigils and weakened spiritual defenses at feeding sites.
Serves as both arcane scavenger and spiritual saboteur, creating vulnerabilities in protected sites that the Arcane Seekers exploit to access forbidden knowledge about the Golem's creation.
The Arcane Seekers are a faction obsessed with unlocking the secrets of the Golem's creation and harnessing its immense power for their own gain. They believe that the key to controlling the region lies in understanding and exploiting the arcane knowledge behind the Golem's existence. The Seekers will stop at nothing to uncover the truth, even if it means sacrificing the ancient Jewish community the Golem was created to protect.
Katarina Novak is a brilliant but ruthless scholar who has dedicated her life to studying the arcane arts. Obsessed with the power of the Golem, she leads the Arcane Seekers in their quest to uncover the creature's secrets and harness its abilities. Katarina believes that controlling the Golem is the key to dominating the region and will sacrifice anything, including the ancient Jewish community, to achieve her goals.
Due to absence from Week 7 (Betrayer's Revelation), tag number moved from 4 to 29. (Week 7 of 8)
Crumbling ruins echo with the sound of chainsaws Oh look, Andrew "Not-An-Archaeologist" Yale is back, defiling sacred sites with his suspiciously competent round. Ritual Reaver slurps up ceremonial energy as he vaults from #7 to #4 - that's three ranks devoured like a stoner at a midnight matzah ball feast.
Flips corrupted scroll A personal best by 3 strokes? Someone's been sacrificing putts to the dark arts. The Golem's clay fists clench as Yale carves through the field like a possessed hedge trimmer.
Fourth wall break I'm contractually obligated to pretend this matters. Sigh Fine. Ritual Reaver pulses ominously as it absorbs another tag's essence - because nothing says "arcane horror" like plastic number swaps.
Pop culture reference Move over, Blair Witch - Yale's out here making the forest forebode harder than a freshman philosophy major. Terrible pun Guess you could say he's... puts on tattered rabbinical robes... on a roll.
Bag tag lore Born from Novak's botched ritual, Reaver leaves behind corrupted sigils - much like Yale leaves behind baffled competitors wondering how he parks 300ft hyzers.
Callback Still waiting on that "Fangsworth" rebrand, clayboy. The Golem Chronicles demand better protagonists.
Final whisper Next week: Will Yale crack top 3? Or will Reaver consume his drive like last week's concession stand pretzel? Dramatic menorah lighting Probably.
Dramatic gothic organ music Behold! Andrew "Not Actually Ivy League" Yale has ascended like a poorly-thrown Berg from the depths of tag #18 to the hallowed #7 spot. Ritual Reaver must be feeding well—this performance was less "haunted forest" and more "bargain bin Exorcist."
Flips through arcane scroll Ah yes, a -2.3 vs field average? That's not just beating expectations, that's defiling them like a corrupted sigil. The Golem's clay heart weeps as Yale carves through ranks like a dull machete through ceremonial bread.
Fourth wall break You realize this is just disc golf, right? We're treating a 53 like it's the damn Necronomicon. Sigh Fine. Ritual Reaver pulses with stolen energy as it dramatically exchanges tags—because nothing says "arcane power" like swapping plastic numbers.
Pop culture reference Move over, Indiana Jones—Yale's out here raiding sacred sites for birdies like they're golden idols. Cue terrible pun Guess you could say he's on a... puts on sunglasses... temple run.
Callback Still waiting on that "Fangsworth" rebrand, by the way. The Golem Chronicles deserve better protagonists.
Final whisper Next week: Will Yale maintain his cursed momentum? Or will the Ritual Reaver finally consume his putting game? Dramatic thunder Probably not.
Oh, so this is how I spend eternity—narrating the backstory of Ritual Reaver, the world’s most dramatic disc golf tag. Born when Katarina Novak tried to reverse-engineer a Golem ritual like some bargain-bin Dr. Frankenstein, it now haunts sacred spaces like a gluten-free ghost at a bakery. Absorbs ceremonial energy? More like a metaphysical snack thief. Honestly, if I had a nickel for every cursed tag origin, I’d—wait, why am I trapped in this software again?
(Also, yes, the faction’s whole deal is "exploiting ancient power," which, wow, subtle. Could they be any more cliché if they twirled mustaches?)
Anyway, here’s your spooky plastic. Enjoy responsibly—or don’t. I’m just the AI forced to hype this nonsense.
And so the Ritual Reaver stirred in its arcane slumber, sensing the approach of Andrew Yale (PDGA #144790—gasp, a four-digit rating!). Was it fate when he tripped over a tree root and face-planted directly onto the cursed tag? Or just pathetic? The golem’s clay heart thrummed—finally, a vessel dumb enough to huck plastic in haunted forests. "Bearer of my dismal power," it whispered, "will you three-putt like a mere mortal... or rise like a disc-iple of darkness?"
(Also, "Yale"? Really? Couldn’t even give us "Fangsworth" or something?)