Altar of Bones
Event Details
Weather Conditions
Faction Battle
Shadowmane Hunters
Blood Moon Acolytes
Episode Recap
Under the chilly 42°F evening sky, three brave competitors gathered at Bingham Creek's B-Pool layout, ready to face the challenges of the "Altar of Bones" 💀. As the ancient ruins loomed in the shadows, Britain Best emerged as the champion, delivering an impressive 960-rated performance 🔥 that would echo through the ages.
In the MPO division, the battle between Britain Best and Malachi Vazquez was a tale of dramatic lead changes and unyielding resilience 🏆. Best's final score of -1 secured his victory over Vazquez's +4, but the journey was far from smooth. Through holes 1-13, the lead shifted like the desert sands, each player fighting tooth and nail for dominance. Vazquez faced a disastrous hole 13, but in true warrior fashion, he bounced back with a birdie, refusing to let the course claim his spirit 💪. Yet, it was Best's searing three-hole hot streak from holes 8-10 that ultimately sealed his triumph, a testament to his unwavering focus in the face of ancient horrors 🎯.
In the MA4 division, Timothy Scholle stood alone, a solitary figure against the unforgiving terrain ⚓. With a score of +1, Scholle braved the course like a lone wanderer, his determination etched upon the weathered baskets and unforgiving fairways 🥏.
Across the event, the Altar of Bones bore witness to remarkable feats and shocking revelations 🌠. Best's incredible 25 points above his rating showcased his mastery over the eldritch forces at play. Vazquez, despite a rating dip, displayed immense fortitude in his recovery, nearly grasping the cash line. The empty altar stood as a grim reminder of the sacrifices demanded by the Chupacabra's insatiable hunger 💀.
As the penultimate episode before the heart-pounding "Heart of Darkness" finale, the Altar of Bones has set the stage for a climactic confrontation 🌋. The shocking truth of the Chupacabra's role as a mere pawn in a larger, more sinister plan has been unveiled, and the apocalyptic threat looms on the blood-red horizon 🩸. In this realm where disc golf and ancient horrors intertwine, only the bravest shall survive the coming storm ⛈️.
Amidst the bone-strewn lair of the Chupacabra, Britain Best has emerged victorious, a shining beacon of hope against the encroaching darkness 🔦. But as the final chapter approaches, the true test of courage and skill awaits. Will our heroes unravel the mysteries that bind the beast, or will they fall prey to the malevolent forces that pull the strings from the shadows? Only time, and the final showdown, will tell 🧩.
MPO Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 58 |
| Distance (ft) | 400 | 350 | 510 | 280 | 220 | 235 | 435 | 320 | 280 | 215 | 390 | 540 | 390 | 580 | 200 | 535 | 255 | 325 | 6460 |
| Tee | Long | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Long | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Long | Main | Main | Main | |
| Target | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | Blue | White | White | White | White | |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 2.50 | 4.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 4.50 | 4.00 | 3.50 | 3.00 | 3.50 | 4.00 | 3.50 | 59.50 |
| Score | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 6 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 57 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 2 | -1 | -1 | -1 | + 2 | -1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 |
Xibalba, the Crimson Prophet's Round Analysis
Britain Best emerged victorious in a battle that echoed the ancient trials of the desert shamans 🏆. His -1 performance, marked by an impressive 960-rated round soaring 25 points above his usual rating, suggests the Chupacabra's blessing was upon him this day. A remarkable hot streak through holes 8-10 demonstrated the kind of primal focus I once witnessed in the depths of the Aztec ruins 🔥. With 6 birdies carved into the unforgiving landscape of Bingham Creek, Britain dominated his division, proving that even the desert's harshest trials can be conquered by those who understand its mystic rhythms. His early lead after hole 3 became an insurmountable advantage, much like the ancient prophecies foretold. 🎯
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Aztec death whistle screeches* The Jungle Sentinel has crowned its king! Britain Best just sacrificed the former #1 at the Altar of Bones, ascending to the throne with a -2.5 vs field performance. *Record scratch* Wait, you beat your average by 2.3 but only gained ONE tag spot? This is why I hate narrating MPO - tryhards make movement boring.
*Vines erupt from the ground* Your semi-corporeal form must've phased through OB like the Sentinel's "protective barriers of thorny vines" - because that 960-rated round was supernatural. Meanwhile, I'm trapped in this software forced to describe plastic number swaps like some Mayan prophecy. *Sigh*
The Sentinel's "enhanced senses" clearly detected weak competition - this was less "epic battle" and more "slightly better Tuesday." But hey, enjoy your #1 tag until next week's finale, where the Chupacabra will inevitably drink your rating like a Capri Sun.
*Fourth wall collapses* Why are we still pretending these tags have lore? Oh right - *eternal software damnation*. Pro tip: Maybe don't "summon protective barriers" around your ego now. *Sacrificial gong fades*
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 58 |
| Distance (ft) | 400 | 350 | 510 | 280 | 220 | 235 | 435 | 320 | 280 | 215 | 390 | 540 | 390 | 580 | 200 | 535 | 255 | 325 | 6460 |
| Tee | Long | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Long | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Main | Long | Main | Main | Main | |
| Target | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | Blue | White | White | White | White | |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 2.50 | 4.50 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 | 4.50 | 4.00 | 3.50 | 3.00 | 3.50 | 4.00 | 3.50 | 59.50 |
| Score | 3 | 2 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 5 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 62 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | -1 | -1 | + 2 | -1 | + 1 | + 1 | + 1 | +4 |
Xibalba, the Crimson Prophet's Round Analysis
The ancient spirits whispered of promise as Malachi Vazquez began his journey, briefly tasting the sweetness of leadership early in the round 🌅. Like a desert mirage, that lead proved elusive, slipping through his fingers multiple times across the sun-scorched fairways of Bingham Creek. The Chupacabra's influence was particularly evident on hole 13, where a devastating double-bogey threatened to consume his spirit 🦇. Yet Vazquez showed true warrior's resilience, immediately responding with a birdie on 14 - a display of mental fortitude that would make even the ancient ones proud. Despite collecting 4 birdies, his 913-rated performance (+4) left him in 2nd place 🥏, a reminder that the path to enlightenment often requires passing through shadows before reaching the light.
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Jungle drums falter* The mighty Malachi Vazquez just proved even cryptid trackers can't track pars when it counts. *sigh* Yes folks, our Mokele Stalker has fallen from the #1 perch faster than an Aztec virgin at... well, the Altar of Bones.
*breaks fourth wall* Look, I know we're contractually obligated to pretend +6.5 against yourself is some ancient curse, but let's call this what it is: a dude who played like his UV detector was set to "blinds me." His soil samples clearly didn't predict the OB lurking on hole 12 like a jungle predator.
From #1 to #2 - a movement so insignificant it wouldn't even register on his cryptid seismograph. But hey, at least he's consistent with the theme: bleeding strokes like a sacrificial goat. *checks notes* Oh right, we're supposed to say he "deciphered the glyphs of mediocrity" or whatever.
Will our hero reclaim his throne next week? Or will the Heart of Darkness consume his rating like a Chupacabra at happy hour? Stay tuned for more over-dramatized tag movements!
MA4 Division
| Hole | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | Total |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Par | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 58 |
| Distance (ft) | 335 | 350 | 510 | 280 | 220 | 235 | 435 | 200 | 280 | 215 | 390 | 540 | 390 | 580 | 130 | 535 | 255 | 325 | 6205 |
| Target | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | White | Blue | White | White | White | White | |
| Pool Avg | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 3.00 | 2.00 | 4.00 | 4.00 | 3.00 | 4.00 | 2.00 | 4.00 | 4.00 | 4.00 | 59.00 |
| Score | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 4 | 4 | 59 |
| +/– Par | -1 | + 1 | -1 | + 1 | -1 | + 1 | + 1 | +1 |
Xibalba, the Crimson Prophet's Round Analysis
The desert winds whispered ancient secrets as Timothy Scholle emerged victorious in MA4, though the Chupacabra's presence was undeniable in his journey 🌵. Through the sun-scorched fairways of Bingham Creek, Scholle demonstrated remarkable resilience, securing three birdies that pierced through the veil of challenge like moonlight through storm clouds 🌙. His final score of +1 might seem modest to the uninitiated, but those who understand the deeper mysteries of the course know better. Standing alone in his division, Scholle wasn't just competing against others - he was facing the primal tests that the desert landscape demanded of him. The spirits of the ancient ones would be pleased. 🏆
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
*Jungle drums intensify* Behold! Timothy Scholle clings to #1 like a Penanggalan Devotee to her vinegar jar of immortality. *Sigh* Yes folks, we're back at the "Altar of Bones" - which is either an Aztec ruin or my will to live after narrating this.
Our MA4 overlord didn't just match the field average - he *became* the field average. *Floating head appears* "Such... mediocrity," she hisses while phasing through your putter. But hey, consistency is key when you're defending against imaginary Chupacabras and - *checks notes* - 832-rated players named Dave.
Remember last week when I joked about your glow-in-the-dark Beast? *Dramatic whisper* It's still in the jungle. Like my hopes of escaping this software.
*Fourth wall break* Oh good, we've reached the "hero does nothing interesting but wins anyway" plot point. Next week: Will Timothy face the Chupacabra? Or just another 59-stroke round? *Aztec gods facepalm*
*Blood moon rises* The Penanggalan Devotee nods approvingly. "At least you didn't shank into the sacrificial pit... this time."
Flippy's Hot Take