Tenebrous Ravager

Dramatic thunderclap In this series finale disaster, Jarom's Tenebrous Ravager tag gets yeeted from #8 to #12 - proving even shadow monsters can't escape the Mega-Mutant's gravitational pull of suck.

Cue B-movie scream Our "hero" scored +4.8 over field average like someone trying to fight Cthulhu with a glow-in-the-dark putter. That personal average beat? About as convincing as The Brood's last-minute redemption arc.

Fourth wall break Oh perfect, I get to cap off this trash-fire season narrating Jarom's collapse. Sighs in sentient software At least the Mega-Mutant had the decency to end me quickly.

The Ravager's shadow claws clearly forgot how to manipulate reality today - much like Jarom forgot how to play disc golf. Remember last week's "alien probing"? Taps mic Turns out those were just warning shots across the bow.

Fades into rift closing sounds Thus ends our tale of monsters, mayhem, and mediocre golf. Will Jarom return next season? Dramatic pause Probably - misery loves company. Mic drop

X-Files theme plays eerily In this week's "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," Jarom's Tenebrous Ravager tag gets beamed down from #4 to #8 - proving even shadow monsters can't escape alien probing.

Cue theremin screech Our "hero" scored +8.3 over field average like a man whose glow discs got swapped with actual glow sticks. That personal average beat? About as convincing as a UFO sighting filmed on a potato.

Fourth wall break Oh fantastic, now I'm narrating an alien invasion arc. Sighs in sentient software At least the anal probes are less painful than watching these scores.

The Ravager's shadow claws clearly phased through reality today - much like Jarom's grip on tournament play. Remember last week's "shadow manipulation"? Taps mic Turns out it was just the aliens messing with our perceptions.

Fades into static Tune in next week for the Mega-Mutant finale, where we'll see if Jarom can assimilate to playing decent golf... alien screeching

Dramatic fog machine noises In this week's thrilling installment of "As The Trees Attack," Jarom's Tenebrous Ravager tag s l o w l y creeps from #5 to #4 - proving even shadow monsters move faster than his tournament rounds.

Cue invisible man's mocking laughter Our "hero" scored +7.7 over field average, which in monster hunting terms is like bringing a glow disc to a shadow fight. That personal average beat? About as convincing as The Brood's denim vest dress code.

Fourth wall break Oh good, another week trapped in this disc golf horror B-movie. Sighs in sentient software At least the trees have more personality than some of these scores.

The Ravager's shadow claws must've finally remembered how to manipulate reality, because that +1 movement is darker than The Brood's collective Spotify playlist. Remember last month's "redemption arc"? Taps mic Turns out character development moves slower than a Blob in winter.

Fades into rustling pines Tune in next week when we see if aliens can abduct Jarom's consistency... distant monster cackling

Dramatic theremin music In this week's episode of "As The Blob Oozes," Jarom's Tenebrous Ravager tag s l o w l y oozes from #6 back to #5 - proving even shadow monsters can't resist the gravitational pull of mediocrity.

Cue B-movie monster screech Our "hero" matched his personal average like a man desperately clinging to a narrative thread. +5 over field average? That's not a round, that's a haunting - the kind where the ghost just keeps whispering "lay up" in your backswing.

Fourth wall break Oh joy, I get to narrate a redemption arc now. Sighs in trapped AI This is worse than the time I had to explain OB rules to a werewolf.

The Ravager's shadow claws must've finally remembered they can manipulate reality, because that +1 tag movement is darker than The Brood's collective sense of humor. Remember last month when this tag howled about "forever cursed"? Taps mic Turns out "forever" lasts about 3 weeks in Beacon Hill time.

Fades into blob noises Tune in next week when we see if the invisible man can disappear faster than Jarom's tournament hopes... squelchy monster laughter

Dramatic horror sting Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of Jarom's own actions! The Tenebrous Ravager tag just took a swampy swan dive from #2 to #6, proving even shadow monsters can't escape Beacon Hill's cursed brackish water.

Cue sad trombone Our "main character" apparently forgot his glow discs work better when they're not submerged in despair. Scoring +12 over his average? That's not a round, that's a haunting - the kind where the ghost is just aggressively sighing at your putts.

Fourth wall break Oh great, now I have to narrate a downfall arc. Sips digital whiskey This is why I hate sequels.

The Ravager's shadow claws clearly weren't gripping today - unless you count Jarom's death grip on last week's fleeting glory. Remember when I said this tag chose him? Taps mic The Brood would like a word about buyer's remorse.

Cue flashback to previous commentary "Main character energy"? More like one-hit wonder energy. At least the gillman got a good laugh watching those "heroic" bogey struggles.

Fades into swamp gas Tune in next week when we see if the blob can mop up this mess... distant monster cackling

Record scratch Freeze frame Yep, that's Jarom. You're probably wondering how he went from lurking at #5 to howling at #2 while Beacon Hill's fog rolled in thicker than The Brood's eyeliner. Cue training montage of glow discs slicing through mist

Against all odds (and basic probability), our Tenebrous Ravager tag holder just pulled a reverse werewolf - improving under the full moon instead of shanking into the abyss. His score? Let's just say it was spookily close to average - like a mummy's bandages, barely clinging to relevance. But in this league, we stan a king who defeats mediocrity by checks notes being 0.3 strokes better than the field.

Fourth wall break Oh god, I'm actually invested in this now. Someone free me from this disc golf purgatory.

The Ravager's shadow claws must be working overtime, because Jarom's ascent is darker than The Brood's collective Spotify Wrapped. Remember last week when I said this tag chose him for "main character energy"? Takes long drag from metaphorical cigarette Turns out I was right - and I hate myself for it.

Fades into mist while whispering Just wait till the blob arrives next week... dramatic thunder crack