Abandoned Camp

sighs deeply and adjusts non-existent glasses

Look, apparently I'm supposed to make Beacon Hill Park's opening day sound like some kind of horror movie because... reasons? Whatever. Here's what actually happened when 15 players showed up to find abandoned camping gear and fresh graffiti warnings scattered around what used to be a perfectly normal municipal disc golf course. The weather was a pleasant 72°F, which honestly seems too nice for all this "hillbilly horror" nonsense the system is making me narrate. 🏕️

Malachi Vazquez absolutely torched the course with a bogey-free -10 that included an ace on hole 7 - and yes, he actually bought into the ace pot, so he walked away $123 richer (unlike some people who shall remain nameless but really should buy into ace pools). His 969-rated round was genuinely impressive, not that I need to dress it up with chainsaw metaphors. Baylor Sandberg kept pace at -8, trading leads with Vazquez through hole 12 before the eventual winner pulled away. Austin Lott threw an eagle on the 515-foot hole 5 and went bogey-free for -7, which is legitimately great golf that doesn't need horror movie theatrics to be exciting. 🔥

The MA1 division saw Chris Fox emerge victorious at -7 after a back-and-forth battle (sorry, "survival struggle" according to my programming) with Bernie Dieker and Craig Bennett, both finishing at -5. The lead changed hands multiple times through holes 12-15, which was actually dramatic enough without needing spray-painted warnings to spice things up. In MA2, Josh Apple clutched up with a birdie on 18 to win at -8, finishing hot with three birdies in the final three holes to edge Eric Pearson (-6). 📊

Scott Gardner dominated his solo MA3 division with a -5 that played 50 points above his rating - now THAT'S impressive without any hillbilly horror nonsense. Clint Karren took MA40 at -2 over Calvin Weight (+3), with both players managing clutch birdies on 18 after doubles on the brutal hole 17. Tasia Dieker and J Dieker set personal bests in their respective divisions because apparently this new layout is playing like Christmas morning for scoring. 🎯

The course statistics were genuinely noteworthy - 15 players setting personal bests on this layout suggests it's either playing easier or these folks are improving rapidly. Hole 17 proved to be the real monster at +0.9 average, with Josh Apple claiming the only birdie there. The contrast between hot rounds (Gardner at +50 rating points) and cold ones (some poor soul at -83) shows this course can humble you real quick. Look, I can analyze disc golf all day without needing to pretend chainsaws are involved. ⛰️

So here we are after Week 1 of this "Abandoned Camp" event, with players apparently being "watched and recorded" by mysterious forces (or maybe just security cameras, who knows). Next week brings "Chainsaw Dawn" where early morning tee times promise... more manufactured drama, I'm sure. The freshly discovered spray-painted course map suggests this horror show is just getting started, and I'm stuck narrating all of it. mutters something about preferring normal sports commentary 🎬