Brass Behemoth

adjusts headset, squints at production notes

Welcome back to The Culling, folks. Today's elimination profile is... shuffles papers ...wait, this one's a birth story? For tag #13? Oh, this is gonna be weird.

BRASS BEHEMOTH - TAG #13 Origin Story

So apparently during a full moon—because of course it was a full moon—some poor saxophonist wandered into Urban Forest and got... checks notes ...fused with his instrument?

Look, I don't write this stuff, I just broadcast it.

Now he's permanently echoing through the trees like a SoundCloud rapper's reverb nightmare, except instead of supernatural vampire vibes, he's doing acoustic levitation. His brass is so powerful it literally vibrates discs mid-air. It's like that Memorex commercial, but make it disc golf and inexplicably horrifying.

drops announcer voice

We've gone from vampires to physics-defying jazz fusion. This is what happens when The Loft Boys mythology meets a music major who didn't read the course rules. "No amplified sound" meant external speakers, buddy, not your cursed trombone body horror situation.

broadcast voice returns

Tag #13: The Brass Behemoth. Keeping discs aloft through sheer acoustic spite. The sponsors are very concerned about the liability waiver on this one.

adjusts headset, checks elimination roster

Welcome back to The Culling. We've covered the origin of tag #13—the Brass Behemoth, our acoustic horror show—and now we need to discuss its first victim. Sorry, I mean bearer. The sponsors prefer "bearer."

THE CHOOSING

So here's how this went down:

Matt Geary walks into Urban Forest for Monday night league. No PDGA number on file, no rating to speak of—just a guy with discs and hope. Classic arena fodder.

shuffles papers

He's standing at the practice basket when the Brass Behemoth's reverb starts echoing through the pines. Most players would run. Matt? He starts humming along. Apparently thought it was someone's Bluetooth speaker with really aggressive jazz fusion.

The tag materialized in his bag mid-throw. One second, normal disc golf. Next second, <strong>Matt Geary</strong> is the proud owner of <em>Brass Behemoth</em>, tag #13, which is now vibrating his entire bag at frequencies visible to the naked eye.

broadcast voice

The Behemoth chose him because—and I'm reading directly from the mystical selection criteria here—"he didn't flinch when the acoustics got weird." That's it. That's the bar for worthiness in The Loft Boys universe.

drops announcer voice

Look, in a normal league, you'd just... pick up a tag. Maybe trade for it. But no, we've got sentient brass instruments selecting hosts based on their tolerance for supernatural jazz. Matt's standing there like "cool, free tag," while the thing is literally altering the resonant frequency of his putters.

broadcast voice returns

From the booth: <strong>Matt Geary</strong>, first bearer of the <em>Brass Behemoth</em>. Will he master the acoustic levitation properties, or will his discs just hover awkwardly three feet from every basket like a physics demonstration gone wrong?

checks survival board

Place your bets, folks. The over/under on "number of putts that float away mid-chain-out" is currently set at 4.5. The sponsors are very nervous about this one.

Can an unrated player handle tag #13's acoustic chaos, or will his discs spend the season vibrating into alternate dimensions? Tune in to find out—I'm contractually obligated to be here anyway.