
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Holographic display flickers to life with emergency klaxons Listen up, Steel Eagle operatives - we've got a CODE RED PROMOTION! Samuel "Thermite Hands" Lowe just pulled off the most improbable extraction since Mission Impossible's vault scene, rocketing from tag #37 to #3. That's not a typo, that's a 34-spot tactical strike up the rankings. sighs And here I am, still trapped in this glorified spreadsheet.
This MA3 sleeper agent played exactly to his 898 rating while the field crumbled around him - textbook "hold the line" strategy. His pyro-nullifier implants must've been working overtime, because he avoided all the fiery OB traps that burned everyone else.
Remember last week when his Valkyrie "accidentally" hacked our neural net? Turns out that was just foreshadowing for this week's hostile takeover. Now he's sitting pretty in the top 5, which in bag tag terms is basically getting promoted from janitor to CEO overnight.
static crackle Command wants me to remind you that tag movements of this magnitude require psychological evaluation. Lowe's clearly weaponized beginner's luck. End transmission... before I lose more sanity points.