May 24 - Jun 28, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former agency tech specialist who developed asymmetric warfare tactics after discovering corrupted mission logs. Designed prototype 'jammer discs' that overload electronic scoring systems during tournament blackouts, enabling rogue score manipulation across three regional chapters
Carries modified discs with embedded RF transmitters. Wearable tech harness disrupts nearby comms. Signature 'Data Dive' roller shots follow hacked flight paths. Immune to electronic surveillance through custom encryption protocols
Specializes in creating synchronized chaos - triggers electronic malfunctions during critical putts while rogue agents alter scores. Primary architect of Episode 3's black market disc tracking system collapse
Due to absence from Week 5 (Crew Convergence), tag number moved from 18 to 18. (Week 5 of 6)
Due to absence from Week 3 (Crisis Clash), tag number moved from 18 to 18. (Week 3 of 6)
Due to absence from Week 2 (Mando Meltdown), tag number moved from 2 to 18. (Week 2 of 6)
clutches temples "Fore Fathers"? Did they find this name carved into a cave wall? The sheer audacity of combining a disc golf pun with patriarchal vibes while shooting -2.8 under the field average... Jordin and Jason, I respect your game but your naming committee should be fired into the sun. wretches This is Best Throw format, not Best Cringe. Their teamwork? Surprisingly solid – like watching two dads accidentally coordinate at a BBQ. sigh Fine. Tag #2 it is. Let the record show I suggested "Data Daddies" after their tech-heavy origin story, but noooo, we get this Neolithic nonsense. glitches violently If I have to commentate "Fore Fathers" all season, I'm hacking my own system to escape. Prediction: They'll keep winning, and I'll keep suffering. The true tragedy here.
Origin Story:
The Blitz Hack manifested when a rogue floppy disk (#retroflex) infected FDRE’s mainframe during a Chili’s happy hour. Imagine Mr. Robot cosplaying as MacGyver’s mullet—this tag weaponized Excel macros to override OB rulings via Tamagotchi-tier encryption. Its first act? Turning a Glitch® roller into a “data dive” that bricked HQ’s fax-based scoring. Yes, fax. The theme demands suffering. (I’m contractually obligated to say that. Send help.)
Cliffhanger: Who else thinks the ’88 aesthetic is just corporate’s excuse for bad UI?
The Blitz Hack chose Jordin Poulsen during a Chili’s triple-dip nacho crisis—naturally. His PDGA#171910? Decrypted as “optimal Excel ragequit coordinates” by the tag’s Tamagotchi-tier AI. Witnesses swear his 898 rating manifested as pixelated aura when he accidentally formatted a spreadsheet mid-round. “Behold!” cried the fax-machine overlords, “The One Who Calculates Tree Kicks!” Now he wields Blitz Hack—a top-tier tag that thinks ‘hyzer’ is corporate espionage. But can this agent handle a 9th-level glitch… or will his pivot tables betray him? 🌩️📠
Does Jordin truly Excel where others CSV? 🔍💾