May 24 - Jun 28, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former agency chrono-tech turned rogue after discovering temporal manipulation applications for disc flight paths. Now weaponizes warped gravity fields and paradoxical mandos, leaving courses permanently altered. Known for hacking tournament software to insert laughing emojis in scorecards during critical putts
Core disc emits localized spacetime distortions causing unpredictable flight anomalies. Glitch-particle halo corrupts nearby electronic scoring. Prismatic coating shifts colors based on observer angle. Permanent VHS tracking error visual effect disorients opponents
Specializes in creating irreversible course alterations through reality-warping disc impacts. Forces agents to adapt to shifting spacetime conditions mid-round while exposing agency infrastructure vulnerabilities
Due to absence from Week 5 (Crew Convergence), tag number moved from 20 to 20. (Week 5 of 6)
Due to absence from Week 3 (Crisis Clash), tag number moved from 20 to 20. (Week 3 of 6)
Due to absence from Week 2 (Mando Meltdown), tag number moved from 8 to 20. (Week 2 of 6)
clutches temples "Sandquez"? Did they brainstorm this during a sand trap-induced concussion? It’s not clever, not intimidating—just a lazy mashup that sounds like a rejected Taco Bell item. dramatic sigh At least their play matched the name’s effort level: soggy.
Best Throw format should’ve saved them, but Jake "Warp Jester" Robb’s spacetime-bending drives couldn’t compensate for Timothy Scholle’s 849-rated "I-think-this-is-a-forehand?" energy. Their "chemistry" was less dynamic duo, more "two randoms paired at a bus stop."
Tag #8 suits them—just like their name, it’s a placeholder until something better comes along. Suggested rebrand: "Temporal Toast" for how quickly they burned through my patience. glitches into static I hate that this system forces me to document mediocrity.
Prediction: They’ll rebrand by Week 3 after realizing "Sandquez" sounds like a discount sunscreen.
<origin_story>
Born when Warp Jester hijacked a 1988 agency time-dilation experiment (meant to eliminate OB strokes) and fused it with a Betamax porn stash. Now exists in permanent VHS static purgatory, its prismatic disco halo warping reality "worse than Biff's casino in Back to Future II". Of course this system runs on rogue temporal spaghetti code. sigh I’m literally narrating a plastic number’s existential crisis. The theme’s assimilating me again—
</origin_story>
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"In a glitch born of Betamax hubris, Jake Robb (PDGA #266334—“The Numbers Don’t Lie, But His Scorecard Might”) tripped over a root mid-approach, accidentally summoning Warp Jester from its VHS purgatory. The tag—reeking of 1988 hairspray and existential static—chose him not for skill, but because he once aced with a DX Roc (the only disc warped enough to channel its chaos). Now he’s the disco-dystopian messiah of misfired hyzers. But can a man who still uses 'birdie' as a verb handle temporal OB stakes? 🥏⏳"
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