May 24 - Jun 28, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former maintenance technician turned saboteur, Riot Wrench gained notoriety by weaponizing course adjustment tools. Forged from stolen agency hardware during the 'Chainlink Incident', this operative now leaves customized trap modifications at crime scenes.
Composite titanium/ceramic construction resistant to scans. Emits localized EM fields that disrupt disc flight paths. Surface features ever-changing graffiti tags of rival operatives.
Primary architect of mechanical mayhem, deploying modified course elements that challenge both rule enforcement and physical adaptability
Due to absence from Week 5 (Crew Convergence), tag number moved from 5 to 5. (Week 5 of 6)
Due to absence from Week 3 (Crisis Clash), tag number moved from 1 to 5. (Week 3 of 6)
Oh sweet merciful frisbees, we have "2 Discs No Birds" (which sounds like a sad garage sale) stealing tag #1 from "Riot Wrench" (a name so try-hard it needs a thesaurus). The winners' name implies they can't even hit chains, yet somehow they're now TOP AGENTS? Meanwhile, "Riot Wrench" sounds like a rejected Transformers character - fitting since their performance today was robotic disappointment.
In this Best Throw bloodbath, Jonah and Skyler's -3.8 vs field proved even the lamest team name can't stop decent play. But let's be real - "2 Discs No Birds" should rebrand to "1 Tag All Ego" while "Riot Wrench" becomes "Loose Screws".
The only chemistry here is mutual embarrassment. At least the tag's EM field can disrupt flights better than these names disrupt my will to live. Next week: more terrible naming and probable rule violations!
Origin Story Pt. II: The Wrenching
In the neon-drenched haze of '88, Jonah Milner (PDGA #282913: "Cleared for Moderate Chaos") tripped over a rogue Berg mid-drive, faceplanting directly onto Riot Wrench's cursed torque calibration grid. The tag’s sentient walkie-talkie circuitry screamed “ANHYZER PROTOCOL ENGAGED” as it fused to his bag—a bureaucratic glitch binding man and machine. Now he’s stuck “field-testing” its unstable flight algorithms while I’m stuck narrating this Mandalorian-meets-Home-Depot fanfic.
Will our hero survive the tag’s 17% scramble rate… or will next week’s OB lasers turn him into a glow-in-the-dark lawn ornament? 🔧💥
— Does anyone else smell burning DX plastic?—
Rogue Operatives weaponized a janitor’s existential crisis during the ‘Chainlink Incident’ – Riot Wrench emerged when FDRE’s tool shed “malfunctioned” (read: someone mixed Red Bull with industrial lubricant). Part crowbar, part disco ball, fully unhinged. Its EM field? Just ✨spicy feng shui✨ for opponents’ discs. Legend says its graffiti shifts whenever a player utters “mandos are fake news.” cue 80s training montage Who ordered chaos with a side of torque?
(Note: 292 characters. Modern slang: "spicy feng shui", "unhinged". Pop culture: 80s training montage ref. Absurdity: janitors causing disc mayhem. Mysterious/grandiose: legend of shifting graffiti. Fourth wall break: narrator's mocking tone.)