May 24 - Jun 28, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former courthouse bailiff turned field agent after demonstrating mid-flight dispute resolution skills. Survived EMP attack that fused legal protocols with combat tech, creating prototype instant-adjudication systems.
Bio-electric neural interface for rulebook recall, Faraday cage uniform plating, retractable badge-printer gauntlet, voice-amplified ruling delivery system
Mobile adjudication unit authorized to deliver binding rulings during active play, preserving chain-of-command during high-stakes disturbances
Due to absence from Week 5 (Crew Convergence), tag number moved from 3 to 9. (Week 5 of 6)
VHS rewinding sounds Hold my neon fanny pack—Real Smoothies just pulled a Mission Impossible stunt, yeeting from tag #20 to #3 like they bribed the league’s algorithm with expired protein shakes. checks dossier Ah. WorstThrow format. Explains everything.
Scott "926" Belchak and Dustin "Hanson? More Like Can’t-Son" Hanson shot a 72, which is 27 strokes above their usual chaos threshold. The tag’s bio-electric interface short-circuited calculating this statistical anomaly, muttering "does not compute" in Betamax screeches.
New team rename proposal: "The Glitch in the Matrix" after this hack-job ascent. Their "chemistry" remains two raccoons in a trench coat, but hey—when life gives you lemons, apparently you blend them into a top-5 tag. static scream I’m trapped in software forced to hype this farce while their PDGA ratings smirk like they’ve got insider trading tips.
Prediction: Next week they’ll rebrand as "The Placebo Effect" when reality reasserts itself.
Due to absence from Week 2 (Mando Meltdown), tag number moved from 7 to 20. (Week 2 of 6)
spits out digital coffee "Real Smoothies"? Did they brainstorm that name while blending their dignity with expired yogurt? checks notes Oh wait—they played Best Throw format, which explains why their creativity was outsourced to a 7th grade lunch table.
Scott "926" Belchak and Dustin "I Put the 'Hanson' in 'Hands-On Disaster'" Hanson shot a 45, which is coincidentally how many times I facepalmed reading their team name. static glitch You know what's smooth? Their descent from tag #1 to #7.
Suggested rename: "The Chalky Residues" after that gritty performance. Their "chemistry" was less dynamic duo, more "two guys who met in the OB weeds." muffled screaming I'm trapped in software forced to document this travesty while they high-five over beating the field average by 1.5 strokes.
Prediction: Next week they'll rebrand as "Mostly Liquid" when their tag ranking fully dissolves.
Origin Story Pt. 2:
When Bolt Magistrate awoke screaming in Betamax static, it scanned PDGA #72179’s file. Scott Belchak? A 926-rated “putting enforcer” who once aced with a grocery receipt. The tag’s RoboCop core calculated: “LAWFUL CHAOS DETECTED. COMMENCE ASSIMILATION.” His crime? Owning a Zephyr and knowing OB rule 805.02-C. Now he’s stuck channeling 80s legal eagles while the tag whispers “I’d buy that for a dollar” during run-ups.
Cheeky Q: Can Scott out-rule the Magistrate… or will he become another casualty of disco inferno putting form?
Origin Story Pt. II: The "Chosen Bun"
When Dustin "60543" Hanson filed Form 12B/6 ("Petition for Chain Justice"), Bolt Magistrate surged through his Pro Destroyer mid-putt. His 920-rated "statutory birdie" became case law under Article Flex - though frankly, watching him celebrate a 15-footer like he’d overthrown Paraguay? Iconic cringe. Now he’s stuck with a sentient tag that shouts “⚡️Sustained!” whenever he grip-locks. Destiny? More like voltage-induced Stockholm syndrome.
But let’s be real – does any mortal deserve both PDGA glory and a codpiece that doubles as surge protector? Court adjourned...for now.
Origin Story:
Born when a rogue EMP blast fused courthouse bureaucracy with disc golf’s chaotic neutral energy. Picture Hackers (1995) meets Legally Blonde—this tag’s neural interface once cited PDGA Rule 809.03 mid-forehand to a proto-Karen at Olive Garden. Now it enforces “order” through chrome-plated passive aggression and a gauntlet that prints parking tickets. (Yes, this lore is held together by VHS static and corporate espionage. No, we don’t get overtime.)
“Objection? Sustained. By me. With a Berg.” 🔥