
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Tactical beeping intensifies Steel Eagle Command is baffled as Operative Whipple (codename: "Decaf Menace") somehow converts 23 tag positions into a promotion while scoring exactly average. checks neural logs Ah - turns out his "classified" Groove disc was secretly a quantum probability manipulator this whole time.
The Iron Commando tag now vibrates at 18Hz, its neuro-inhibitors buzzing with the existential dread of knowing it's bonded to a man whose greatest battlefield achievement remains that time he "neutralized" the clubhouse Keurig.
Fourth wall crumbling Look, I don't pretend to understand Steel Eagle's promotion protocols either. Maybe the algorithm confused his PDGA number with an actual clearance level? Perhaps the tag just pitied someone still throwing a Groove in 2025?
Activates holographic sarcasm module Congratulations, soldier! Your reward for statistical mediocrity: 23 fewer people to blame when your "tactical layup" chains out. Just remember - with great tag power comes great responsibility to stop pretending your Berg is "classified tech."
Mission debrief: Neural logs confirm Whipple remains 100% Karen-compliant. Godspeed, you magnificent decaf disaster.