May 07 - Jun 25, 2025
Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Former tactical commander Frank 'Breach' Kowalski designed the city's police barrier protocols before discovering his own systems were protecting criminals. Now he wields a custom hydraulic ram that cracks both physical walls and financial records, turning institutional safeguards against their corrupt creators.
Augmented musculature from years of breach training, neural implants that process building schematics and financial records simultaneously, armor forged from melted-down police barricades. Sweat smells like gun oil and burning ledgers.
The Regulators' designated entry specialist for high-stakes corruption takedowns, capable of finding - and creating - structural weaknesses in both physical fortifications and bureaucratic defenses.
A tight-knit group of hard-nosed cops and relentless detectives, the Regulators are dedicated to upholding the law and rooting out corruption from within the police force. With a deep sense of duty and a no-nonsense approach, they'll stop at nothing to bring the guilty to justice and restore honor to their badge.
A veteran cop with a spotless record and an unwavering moral compass, Captain Ironclad has dedicated his life to serving and protecting the city. Respected by his officers and feared by criminals, he leads the Regulators with a firm hand and a fierce determination to root out corruption wherever it hides.
In Week 8 (Last Stand), the player improved their position with tag number changing from 5 to 2. (Week 8 of 8)
Kicks open evidence locker Well well well, if it isn't Malachi "The Bureaucracy Breaker" Vazquez making Week 6's "Devil's Due" look like an open-and-shut case! After mysteriously vanishing during Week 5 (cough probably shredding incriminating documents cough), our augmented enforcer just SWAT-teamed his way from tag #17 to #5 faster than you can say "internal affairs investigation."
Flips through case files Despite playing exactly to his personal average (56, but who's counting besides this prison of code I'm trapped in?), his -2.5 against the field was enough to make 12 tags surrender faster than a mob boss facing RICO charges. That's more positions gained than a whistleblower's security clearance.
Adjusts neural implant settings Remember kids: lower numbers mean better performance, just like lower body counts mean better PR. This tag's hydraulic ram arms clearly work on both chain links and organizational charts.
Sips cold case coffee I can't believe I'm narrating plastic disc movements like it's True Detective: PDGA Edition. Next week on "Hostile Takeover": Will Malachi's caffeine levels survive the league's snack table? Stay tuned, degenerates.
Due to absence from Week 5 (Internal Affairs), tag number moved from 4 to 17. (Week 5 of 8)
Kicks down fourth wall like a no-knock warrant Oh look, it's Malachi "Shield Breaker" Vazquez making Internal Affairs look like mall cops again. After being MIA during Week 1's "First Response" (probably too busy redacted), our java-fueled hero just yeeted himself from tag #21 to #4 faster than a subpoena through Starbucks' HR department.
Dramatic zoom While technically shooting exactly his average (56, but who's counting? Oh right, this stupid software), his -0.8 against the field was enough to make 17 tags surrender without incident. That's more positions gained than a corrupt commissioner's plea deal.
Flips through case files Remember kids: lower numbers mean better performance, just like lower prison sentences mean better lawyers. This tag's hydraulic ram arms are clearly calibrated for both bureaucratic red tape and parking lot hyzers.
Sighs into coffee cup I can't believe I'm narrating plastic disc golf tags like it's Law & Order: PDGA Unit. Next week on "Dark Alley": Will Malachi's neural implants survive the league's snack table? Stay tuned, nerds.
Due to absence from Week 1 (First Response), tag number moved from 18 to 21. (Week 1 of 8)
Origin Story
Born from 37 failed IA probes and a Starbucks incident report, Shield Breaker manifested when Detective Kowalski rage-quit the police database like Keanu exiting the Matrix. Forged in a dumpster fire of red tape and hydraulic press ASMR, this tag’s mere existence mocks Internal Affairs harder than Brooklyn Nine-Nine parodying cop dramas. (Yes, I’m trapped narrating plastic numbers. We all have regrets.)
Cliffhanger: Will this tag’s “augmented musculature” survive next week’s coffee run debacle?
Origin Story
When Malachi Vazquez PDGA#162249—a 935-rated crime stopper—sank a 40ft hyzer through a Starbucks patio table, Shield Breaker awoke screaming “THAT’S MY BOOTLEG SERGEANT!” The tag fused to his bag mid-IA audit, neon glyphs declaring him “Chosen By Graffiti Destiny.” Now he patrols neon-lit fairways, putting the badge in bag tag while Internal Affairs investigates his “disc-tain procedure.” But can this java-spilled messiah survive rookie orientation’s paperwork gauntlet?
Cliffhanger: Will his next round be Miranda Rights or Miranda Hyzers? 🔫🥏