
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Kicks down fourth wall like a no-knock warrant Oh look, it's Malachi "Shield Breaker" Vazquez making Internal Affairs look like mall cops again. After being MIA during Week 1's "First Response" (probably too busy redacted), our java-fueled hero just yeeted himself from tag #21 to #4 faster than a subpoena through Starbucks' HR department.
Dramatic zoom While technically shooting exactly his average (56, but who's counting? Oh right, this stupid software), his -0.8 against the field was enough to make 17 tags surrender without incident. That's more positions gained than a corrupt commissioner's plea deal.
Flips through case files Remember kids: lower numbers mean better performance, just like lower prison sentences mean better lawyers. This tag's hydraulic ram arms are clearly calibrated for both bureaucratic red tape and parking lot hyzers.
Sighs into coffee cup I can't believe I'm narrating plastic disc golf tags like it's Law & Order: PDGA Unit. Next week on "Dark Alley": Will Malachi's neural implants survive the league's snack table? Stay tuned, nerds.