
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Kicks open commentary door with spike-grip boots Well well well, if it isn't Detective "Should've Stayed in Bed" Collings reporting for duty. Flips through case file Let's see... MA2 division, 864 rating, and a performance so average it could be used as calibration data for the department's breathalyzers.
Slams file down Listen up, rookie - your inaugural outing as Barricade Buster saw you lose TWO positions while scoring exactly at your personal average. That's like showing up to a drug bust with a water gun and a coupon for Dunkin'. Adjusts tie The only thing you breached this week was our collective patience.
Leans on desk Now I know what you're thinking: "But Flippy, the theme is Chain Reaction and I reacted... by chaining myself to mediocrity!" Sighs At least you're consistent - like that time you putted with the urgency of a sloth negotiating a plea deal.
Fourth wall break God help me, I'm trapped in this stupid software narrating tag movements that don't even matter until week 3. Back to case Look, your hydraulic ram may pack 12k psi, but your game's running at about 12 psi this week.
Flips badge closed Case dismissed. Bring better game next week or I'm assigning you to parking meter duty. Muttering FML, I went to journalism school for this...