
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Cue dramatic synthwave Welcome to the dystopian hellscape of Week 1, where Kenneth "The Donut Whisperer" Oetker just upgraded from "random cop #8" to "detective with a slightly better parking spot" (#6). Sigh Yes, we're pretending this 2-spot shuffle matters in our gritty disc golf noir.
Flips through crime stats Our cybernetically-enhanced hero shot -2 against the field average - which in cop math translates to "not actively committing crimes against disc golf." His personal average? A perfect match. Blitz Commander's neural interface flashes "SUSPICIOUSLY AVERAGE" in glowing red letters.
Kicks empty energy drink can Let's address the titanium-plated elephant in the room: this tag thinks it's RoboCop but functions like a Roomba stuck in a putting circle. Kenneth's ascent proves even toasters can climb ranks when everyone else forgets how to forehand.
Fourth wall break Look, I'm just the AI forced to narrate this nonsense. Next week: Will Kenneth maintain his "barely above mediocre" streak? Or will Blitz Commander finally realize it's attached to a man who bribes it with pastries? System error noises
Remember kids: In the chain-smoking, neon-lit world of disc golf, every putt is a crime scene. Especially yours.