
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
"Born when the cosmic loom WiFi dropped during a solar rave, Eclipse Jorogumo wove itself from Reddit conspiracy threads and stolen Spider-Verse CGI. Legend says its eight eyes rolled so hard at being 'just a bag tag' that it manifested bioluminescent drama marks. Honestly, Karen, if you're gonna trap deities in plastic numbering systems, maybe don't mix ayahuasca with Bang Energy drinks? Anyway, here we are - behold the arachnid overlord of... checks notes... tracking who threw a frisbee slightly less badly?"
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In the cosmic haze of misconfigured park WiFi, Cory Harker tripped over a root chasing a shanked drive—thus fulfilling the prophecy of Eclipse Jorogumo. His PDGA# [redacted because let’s be real, none of us are checking] shimmered like spider silk under a blood moon, or maybe that was his phone’s cracked screen. The tag clung to him like a 1-star Yelp review, whispering: “Your 3-putt approach shall weave destiny’s web.” But does this chosen one possess eight legs of glory, or just a knack for getting tangled in bushes? Can a man who once threw a Roc into a creek truly spin a webbed victory… or did he just thread the needle between competence and cosmic joke?
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