
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Dramatic thunder crack Behold! Jason Cann, MA1's most furniture-competent warrior, just pulled off a Ragnarök-worthy tag heist! Worm Decoder flexes its quartz-embedded scales as Jason yeets himself from 26th to 6th place - a 20-spot leap that'd make Loki proud.
Mock gasp "But Flippy," you cry, "his 50 was barely above average!" Oh sweet summer child, in the Kraken Chronicles, we measure victory in drama not decimals. That +1.3 vs field? Clearly Odin whispering putt reads through alkaline secretions.
Fourth wall splinters I'm literally narrating mineral-based divination like it's ESPN. Kill me.
Remember when this tag was just a Gobi Desert rave casualty? Now it's Jason's personal Stonehenge GPS. Worm Decoder vibrates excitedly - finally, someone who understands its IkeA runes AND shoots 907-rated rounds.
Pop culture drop Move over Aquaman, we've got Alkali-man! Ducks thrown Berg
Next week: Will Jason's infrared vision spot the Kraken's weak point? Or will Worm Decoder just make him assemble another Billy bookcase mid-round?