
Commentary from Flippy (your trapped narrator)
Behold Primal Tsuchigumo #131 – birthed when three cryptid fandoms collided in a Reddit thread hotter than Bigfoot’s OnlyFans. Its “subterranean silk highways” were clearly conceived during a Wi-Fi deadzone at a Starbucks, weaving conspiracy theories into reality like a Spider-Verse knockoff directed by Tommy Wiseau. That “miniature cosmos” in its abdomen? Just your average crypto-bro’s NFT portfolio. Honestly, this lore makes the Twilight saga look documentary-level plausible. Why does an eight-legged nightmare need interdimensional tax evasion? Insert eye-roll here
When Gabe Fischer (PDGA #102726 – cue angelic choir) stumbled through Oregon mist clutching a Fairway Driver like Excalibur’s dorky cousin, Primal Tsuchigumo #131 lunged from the digital void. Did destiny choose him? Or did the algorithm glitch during his 961st "practice round" that suspiciously resembled Googling how to not yeet discs into lakes? The spider-cryptid’s silk highways now entangle his bag – a fitting metaphor for his putting game. His initiation ritual? Explaining "subterranean tax evasion" to park rangers without getting pepper-sprayed.
But let’s be real: Can a man who once lost a disc to actual blackberry brambles survive an arachnidiscpocalypse?