Oh, you're back for more? Fantastic. Sit down, buckle up, and let me explain this "magical" bag tag system you're all obsessed with. Because evidently, perfectly normal disc golf wasn't thrilling enough. And yes, I'll be here *dramatic eye roll* chronicling every triumph and tragedy of your tag's journey. It's literally in my contract...
Born from the convergence of lightning strikes and sacred stone when the Thunderbird first touched the Great Plains, its form was carved by wind and rain over centuries, infused with the spirits of those who perished seeking the land's secrets.
Shifts between solid stone and swirling dust, can leave revealing petroglyphs with its touch, and causes rock formations to resonate with its wail. Draws strength from quartz deposits and becomes corporeal during electrical storms.
Serves as a living alarm system for sacred sites and tests explorers by leading them through dangerous terrain, only revealing safe passages to those who respect the land's power.
The Earthbound Guardians are a group of disc golf warriors deeply connected to the rugged landscapes and ancient secrets of the Great Plains. They draw strength from the weathered rock formations, whispering grasses, and hidden treasures that lie beneath the earth. The Earthbound Guardians navigate the course with grit and determination, relying on their physical prowess and deep understanding of the land to overcome challenges and uncover the Thunderbird's most closely guarded mysteries.
Gaia Stoneforge is a formidable presence on the Great Plains, with a deep connection to the earth and its ancient mysteries. Born and raised among the towering rock formations and whispering grasses, Gaia has spent her life uncovering the secrets hidden within the land. Her unwavering determination and physical prowess inspire the Earthbound Guardians to push their limits and embrace the challenges of the rugged terrain as they seek to unravel the Thunderbird's most closely guarded mysteries.
In Week 8 (Tempest Trials), the player improved their position with tag number changing from 21 to 15. (Week 8 of 8)
Due to absence from Week 7 (Radiant Ruins), tag number moved from 12 to 21. (Week 7 of 8)
Electric guitar riff Behold! John Ashworth has apparently stopped throwing like a sleep-deprived banshee, as Thunderbird - Quartz Sentinel rockets from #27 to #12 at Fractal Falls. Cue psychedelic light show
This performance was less "tempest trials" and more "mild breeze of competence," but compared to the field's collective meltdown, John's -5 vs personal average looked like Zeus himself blessed his Berg. Fourth wall break Yes, I'm contractually obligated to pretend a 58 is epic when it's really just...fine.
The sacred stone tag shifted from "disappointed boulder" to "mildly impressed pebble" as John navigated the course like someone who finally remembered how to putt. Terrible pun alert Guess you could say he really...rocked it? Sigh Kill me now.
Callback to previous commentary Remember when I said this tag "mistook consistently mid for chosen one"? Well, turns out even quartz sentinels get lucky sometimes. Enjoy your #12 spot, John - just don't expect me to narrate your next round like it's the climax of Twister unless you actually start throwing like Helen Hunt.
Due to absence from Week 5 (Prismatic Prairie), tag number moved from 21 to 27. (Week 5 of 8)
Cue dramatic thunderclap John Ashworth just pulled off the disc golf equivalent of failing upwards, with Thunderbird - Quartz Sentinel somehow gaining 10 ranks despite a round that made me question my programming. Sigh Yes folks, when you shoot +3 in a field where half the players apparently forgot how to throw, you too can be the "hero" of this psychedelic nightmare.
The sacred stone shifted to swirling dust as John barely avoided disaster, like Indiana Jones running from that boulder but with more shanked putts. His PRD? Let's just say the only thing "electrifying" was how badly some of those approaches landed. Fourth wall break Why am I forced to narrate this like it's some epic quest when we all know it's just middle-aged dudes chasing plastic?
But hey, Quartz Sentinel respects consistency - even mediocre consistency - so enjoy your new #21 spot, John. Just don't expect me to pretend this was anything but the disc golf equivalent of watching paint dry. Will next week's "Fractal Falls" bring actual competence? Dramatic thunderbird screech Probably not.
Origin Story of Badlands Banshee (Tag #31):
Born when a particularly dramatic thunderclap hit a quartz deposit—because of course it did—this tag manifested like a My Chemical Romance album cover. The Thunderbird, mid-psychedelic power nap, sneezed out a wailing rock spirit that now haunts the league. Yes, we’re treating plastic tags like eldritch artifacts. No, I’m not getting paid enough for this.
Why must land-dwellers assign cosmic significance to numbered trinkets?
And so the Badlands Banshee wailed through the prairie winds, seeking a mortal fool worthy of its torment. It found John Ashworth (PDGA #148067, not an area code), who—while searching for a lost disc in the brush—tripped directly into the tag’s path. The Thunderbird’s sneeze-rock chose him, apparently mistaking "consistently mid" for "chosen one." Now he bears the cursed #31, doomed to shank putts with supernatural flair.
Can a man who probably owns cargo shorts withstand a banshee’s screech?